Transcript:
By: Carlyle Jansen www.carlylejansen.com
hi
how it would we
live our relationships differently if we committed
for just Monday for a month for a year at a time
I had decided to take that challenge
I gave it a go i got married this summer and
in addition to having a legal ceremony
we did a traditional Celtic handfasting
this is a commitment
a year and a day and I want to do that because
I didn’t want to look back in here and say oh yeah I did
I wanted to thank I do
I can and again and so I wanted to commit
for a year and a day and then have the opportunity to do that again
and it’s not about an ultimatum its actually an opportunity to make the most
of the year
to make it the best it can be I actually see it as freedom
rather than ask how how some people described as the ball and chain
so I’m a sex educator
an I talk about sex and relationships and teach workshops
but I learned a lot from the people come to my workshops
and one particular couple inspired me
so she I was not interested in fact she had no libido
and he had erectile challenges
so they had no sacks they describe themselves as happy
her MD told her that she needed to change her lifestyle
if she wanted to have along like and so she was motivated to
start working out and she was working out she started to feel better
and she started to notice all hot and sweaty bodies that were working out next
to her
and he started fantasizing about those hot and sweaty bodies
and her libido came back and she decided it was time to take a risk
she went home and you know how hard it is
to jump your husband when you haven’t been
internet for years so he was
understandably a little shocked but willing and they decided that they
wanted to
recommit to a sexual relationship and
they were happier but it didn’t stop there
they decided they wanted to bring all
who they were to their relationship they decided
that they didn’t want to leave any stone unturned he wanted to be all that they
could be
and they were sixty years old
and they were gonna go for it so
he told her that he wanted to cross dress
that he wanted to dress in women’s clothing she confessed that she found
fax kinda boring and mundane
it was hard but they were so committed to bringing
olive themselves the fabulous on the hard
and the sad altogether and
they made it work and the actually
grew together and became so close and discovered
but they were happier than they’d ever been and happier than they ever imagined
so I was inspired by them how to look at my own life
and I thought hmm I noticed too fast ninety percent
%uh the challenges in the risks that I had taken
or in the first year my relationship on most about lap dances most
the sexy adventures most sharing and those
really hard deep interment thought were in the first year
and then what happens well things get comfortable
it became harder to rest
when you have children and a mortgage stake
it’s harder to try and be that
side yourself to really be who you are and
so I remember thinking while what if I get into that sexy okay
but I don’t look sexy what a I talk about my desires
my partner doesn’t share them even with
a really supportive have the list partner I found that my fears
I have being rejected or
being judged catch me and not comfortable playing
where was easier to just go along with what I knew
and so this couple that I spoke up inspired me
to really look at how am I gonna challenging risk myself and grow in this
relationship
and this handfasting was an opportunity
for me to I’m really embrace
all of what we have and so that when we come to an anniversary it’s not like oh
yeah
we made it this far is not great it was looking ahead to
where do we wanna go and what are we can explore and who are we now
together so why does all of this matter
well I Matt lots and lots of people who
have found that their relationships weren’t all that they wanted them to be
and there waiting for the spark to ignite itself
they’re hoping that their sincere love that they hold for each other will be
enough to keep them happy and horny
they are looking for that perfect sex toy
that’s gonna make it all exciting again
and the reality is that sometimes that’s missing the boat
the couple I described to you that’s not what they did
they were honest and brought forth all over themselves
to their relationship and then challenged himself to be all that they
could be
it’s about letting go of the fear of judgement and speaking one stroke
it’s not just about communication it’s about bringing
all up yourself to the table and to the bedroom
stowe what about you
you where are your secret
what are the closest you’re hiding in what
are to things that you’re afraid to share with your partner
I don’t know how they’re gonna feel about it right changed in this way
how are you going to address the house
how would you live your life differently if you had one
week with your partner now I’m not talking about going on a wild
extravaganza are trying some crazy sexual position
K this is not with that couple did they brought themselves
pain and one of the exercises that
some the couples do in my workshop someone described as the hardest thing
they’ve ever done
stand in front of each other look into each others eyes
and bring no discussion
no distraction just ramen
to review emotionally naked in front of each other
with only your most innermost thoughts
and desires between
so what’s the risk and not taking a risk
well it’s not going to kill you you go through life and it will probably be
happy like that couple that I talked about
what it might not really feed you and you might look back and think
how could I have made this a little bit more exciting a little bit more true to
who I am
so perhaps what I’m talking about is a redefinition
I’m what commitment means
and so rather than commitment being about
the words that we shared many years ago
or the things the idea is that we had that commitment instead
is about being present to you right now
and it’s about embracing freedom
and presents and authenticity
in this moment
and in this moment and in this moment
and so my question is what kind of commitment
you think is more satisfying for you
thank you
